Every year as we approach the summer a dark, yet familiar dread hangs over the CUBE Farm. The fiscal year is coming to an end and I and my fellow CUBE dwellers know what that means: Job Performance Evaluations! (Insert ominous music here.)
I have nothing against job performance evaluations, but we have such a convoluted evaluation process in our organization. The first part of the torture includes a self-evaluation. It takes me half a day to rate my specific job duties and include a justification with each "above average" rating I give myself. And quite honestly, I can be very well above average at times. (Insert smirk here.) Then I have to compare it to last years's rating and do a mini essay on what I have accomplished and what needs improvement. Oh, and I did I mention that, despite all of the effort, there are no raises in the forecast due to budgetary constraints that will continue well into the next century?
If there was no blood shed over the year, I can honestly give myself a good job performance evaluation. I mean, I had ample reason to maim and mutilate over the last 12 months, but restrained myself admirably.
Most of the performance evaluation questions cause involuntary eye rolling. For example: "What are the employee’s strongest qualifications?" My Inner Wise Ass wants to scream, "I've lasted 20 years in this joint! I deserve a freaking medal!" Another question asks: "What experience should the employee gain to be more qualified for increased responsibilities? I have to fight the temptation to answer: "The ability to read minds and pull miracles out of thin air." Yet another lame-oh question on self evaluation: What progress was made on personal growth objectives? My smarty butt answer: "None. Wanted to grow vertically, but ended up with uncontrolled horizontal growth."
I vote for a simpler job performance evaluation. Let's just say I was a great employee and deserve a double digit raise. Oh wait, I work for a nonprofit. Never mind.
