Middle aged skin care requires scientific acumen

I recently observed my 49th birthday. Since I ventured over to the dark side of 45, I stopped celebrating birthdays. And quite honestly, I often forget when my birthday comes and goes.

This year, I spent 16 hours of my birthday traveling from Corning, New York back home to Honolulu. I hoped that passing through three time zones would reverse the signs of aging, but life can be so unkind.

At my age, something as basic as taking care of my skin has become a challenge. Twenty-five years ago, I merely washed my face and was ready to go. Now I have a cleansing ritual that involves corrective serums, antioxidant rich moisturizers, and assorted concoctions that fight the aging effects of "free radicals". I'm not sure what "free radicals" are, but I'm told they are bad and must be stopped at all cost! And that cost usually means $50 for 1.5 ounces of age-defying night cream.

It takes a Ph.D in chemistry to understand how to keep my skin evenly toned, appropriately lifted, and dewy fresh. A recent column in Oprah magazine offered up this advice to those of us seeking youthful skin.

"Don't apply a retinoid in the morning; the sun will deactivate it. And don't use a glycolic acid serum or moisturizer at the same time you're using a hydroquinone lightening cream, vitamin C serum, or retinoid, because the glycolic acid will deactivate them."

Huh? All of this makes me tired. It makes me want to take a nap. Naps are now one of my best friends. But that's a whole other issue altogether.

Body shaping jeans boast miracle making transformation! Yeah, right.

It irks me that creators of "slimming jeans" want you to believe you will look a full size smaller just by wearing these manufactured miracle makers. Duh-uh!

One such brand claims its "tummy control panel" will smooth and flatten your problem belly area. News flash: If you displace 10 pounds of belly fat using an industrial strength spandex/denim blend, that fat has to go somewhere else. Most likely it will push that load upward, giving you a less-than-attractive third chin. Not a good look on anyone, I'm afraid. And then there are those jeans that claim to give your butt an added lift. I'm sorry, but my ass was not meant to hang over my waistband like an overflowing ice cream cone. I give kudos to one body-shaping jeans brand, though. These jeans simply repositioned the side seams giving the illusion of narrower hips. I appreciate the honesty here, though not the $100 price tag.

What really bothers me is the ads for these jeans feature skinny models. Hello? A size zero woman does not need a power mesh panty to smooth problem areas. Let's see a plus size gal wearing these jeans for a little truth in advertising, shall we? Of course that will never happen. Nobody wants to see a 200 pound woman with a faux third chin and butt overflowing her waistband. She may look like a the Michelin Man after a week-long binge, but at least her $100 jeans will look fabulous.