Cover up those tatts, baby!

I found out today that our employee policy manual is being updated. It will officially ban visible tattoos on staff. Since I am the only one with multiple, visible tattoos, I was notified in private before the updated manual goes public. (I guess I need to re-think inking "Regular" over my right boob and "Unleaded" over my left boob.)

My supervisor, bless her heart, approached the subject with great trepidation. (Perception: tattooed people are scary. Reality: I can be when provoked, she-lion that I am.) My boss broke the news to me after a glowing annual job performance review. Good timing on her part since I was in a very festive mood. After explaining that the policy manual "had not been updated in YEARS" and that "OTHER items needed updating as well", my boss explained the new rule. All visible tattoos must be covered up when employees are doing business outside of the office, such as field visits, chapter meetings, public lynchings, etc. The latter part was just my snarky inference.

"Employees" in the new rule I think means mostly me, but for litigious reasons, it cannot single me out. However, my sweet natured boss quickly conceded that I can have my tattoos visible when I am in the office. In other words, when I am safely tucked away in my office, located waaaaaay in the back of the building's second floor. This probably means with my door closed and blinds shut, too. Then if, and only if, I need to emerge from the confines my my office (potty break, beat some copies out of the Xerox machine, get water for my meds) I may consider a stylish sweater or jacket.

Quite honestly, I'm not upset about this new rule. (See, Dr. Devegvar! The increased dosage works!) I find it amusing that some people find body art, which I started collecting on my 30th birthday, so distasteful. About 15 years ago when I first started this job, I attended an industry workshop with tattoo in plain sight. One workshop participant actually wrote these words on the program evaluation:

"Tattoos should be hidden and not flaunted!"

Of course, this person did not leave his or her name on the evaluation. Tattooed people are very scary, after all.

The Going Green Blues

When I was a kid alpha amphibian Kermit the Frog lamented that, "it's tough being green..." Fast forward 30+ years and everyone is "going green".

I am not against saving the planet. After all, without Mother Earth we'd be homeless. (You don't see any Sunday Open House signs on the moon.) I dutifully bring my cloth shopping bags with me to the grocery store. I recycle my empty soda bottles. I even use all-natural, biodegradable pine kitty litter. What I find irritating is the proliferation of eco-jargon.

So many individuals and businesses claim to be green or are going green. Just what that means depends on what's being sold or what they want you to believe. Honestly, the last time I "went green" was after eating a bad shrimp quesedilla at a Mexican restaurant.

Sustainability is another eco-buzz word making the rounds. On a personal level, sustainability means staying awake past 9:00 p.m. I don't even understand what a carbon footprint is, but it you track one into my kitchen, I will be seeing red.

Yes, YOU can be a pundit!

A press release crossed my desk again and this one was not as annoying as the previous bunch. In fact, it made me think about what could be an exciting new career!

The press release announced an upcoming industry-specific governmental affairs conference in Washington D.C. And let's face it, if you're going to have an affair, Washington D.C. is a hot bed of possibilities. But I digress.

Actually, the list of conference speakers was impressive. ABC reporter Bob Woodruff will inspire everyone with his life changing experience in Iraq. And being critically injured by a road side is definatley life changing. Then there's good old NBC weather guru Al Roker whose session "Let Your Smile Be Your Umbrella" will be a one-way ticket to your happy place. A slate of politicians also promises plenty of hot air to warm the chilly break-out rooms at the Washington Convention Center.

What really caught my attention were the two speakers who were simply identified as "pundits". Not award-winning news anchors, Pulitzer caliber authors, corporate honchos, or lawmakers of any kind. They were simply called pundits.

I like that word— pundit— it rolls off the tongue like week-old pudding. I have decided that I would like to be a pundit when I grow up. My first question was: What exactly is a pundit?

I always associated the term pundit with those blow-hard political commentators who actually find bantering with Bill O'Reilly a heart pounding indoor sport. That kind of thrill ride is not high on my to-do list. Plus my pastor once said not to engage in arguments with the Devil.

When I looked up the meaning of pundit, it opened it up more than just political prognosticating. Now I never wanted to be a prognosticator. Too much pressure to be accountable —you could lose your street cred with just one poorly placed prognostication.

The dictionary says a pundit is a learned person, expert, or authority. A person who makes comments or judgments, esp. in an authoritative manner; critic or commentator. I could learn to be a learned person. Why at age 47, I actually learned how to use the postage meter machine thingy at work. Yes, you can teach an old dog...well you get the point. I do have a problem with authority sometimes, but I can overlook that in my quest for pundit-dom. I found that putting my fingers in my ears and saying, "LALALALALALALALALALA!" can sometimes make the authority problem go away. I know I can be very judgemental, in a critical manner so that shouldn't be a problem.

So pundit status is achievable for a lowly ubermom like me. I just need to find a topic of expertise that I can claim as my own. Or better yet, I can make something up ! If Rush Limbaugh can do it, then gosh darn it, so can I!

Ho! Ho! Ho!...who you calling a Ho?

In what could be the season's best ironies, one the oldest and most venerated churches in our fair city has put a modern twist in the sharing of their Nativity Scene. Gone are the days when the Nativity is solemnly presented during Christmas Eve worship. With all the holiday hustle of gift shopping, fruit cake baking, and out of town guest welcoming, who really has the time? Welcome to the Fast Food Nation - Christmas Style.

Being a Jesus loving Christian, I have no qualms about sharing the good news of our Savior's birth. I just think having people queue up to the manger in their sedans and SUVs a bit, well, odd. This church posted huge signs in front of their chapel inviting everyone to enjoy their Drive Thru Nativity Scene. Yes, you can witness a reenactment of the birth of our Savior without ever leaving your vehicle. See Christian-dom's "first family" without even shifting out of first gear. And would you like an order of fries with your Messiah?

I'm no Scrooge, but I admit my cynicism is working up a good head of steam. Maybe it's because stores have been touting holiday gift items at THE BEST PRICES EVER since late August. Can we get back to the real reason we celebrate Christmas? Thank you, Lord Jesus!

Mental block

I am having mental constipation. Maybe sticking a pen on my forehead will help. Or not.

It's enough to make you repurpose your midday meal

What a way to end the week! Yet another press release just peppered with a questionable word combination designed to make the writer of said release feel superior to the poor sap who has to read it.

Did you know that teaching in the corporate world is now called "knowledge transfer"? And did you know that "knowledge transfer" across multi-generational lines is wreaking such havoc in the work environment that specialized "facilitators of change" are being deployed to combat this modern day atrocity?

My theory on this is simple. If everyone spoke plain English (i.e., chuck the jargon, people!) we could all communicate more effectively. This would nearly eliminate "knowledge retention challenges" (i.e., stupidity) and give managers one less thing to worry about. Then maybe they could increase the budget so we can get some decent coffee in the lunch room.

Did I make myself clear?

Word abuses breed contempt

Since words are my bread and butter, I can be a bit sensitive about the "creative" use of terminology. I recently came across a press release from a finance-related organization announcing the participation of two new partners to its program. What caught my attention was the way this press release used livestock terminology and a questionable verb to describe its business partners. The sentence stated:

"The program leverages best of breed partners to handle call center operations and automated credit decisioning."

Best of breed? Is this a new way of saying cream of the crop? If I was one of those partners, would that make me a bitch? And what the hell is "automated credit decisioning"? Is decisioning really a verb? My spell check consistently denies the existence of this word. When did nouns turn into verbs? And who authorized such a transformation?

I remember when "cutting edge" morphed into "leading edge" when describing something so new and innovative that you'd have to wait at least two business days for the idea to catch up with you. Some people just love to conjure up words and phrases to make them appear smarter. They spout words like "synergy," claim to always be thinking "strategically" and have "paradigms" that shift on a regular basis. It's like they are screaming:

"Hey people! Look at me! I'm so edgy and complex!"

Oh, please.

I'm a get-to-the-point kind of gal. The abuse of adjectives and overuse of jargon, makes my head explode. (Hyperbole doesn't bother me as much.) I like messages to be just like me - short and to the point. Executive summaries are my friends. If people would communicate clearly, concisely, and honestly, then I think the world would be a much better place.