Yes, YOU can be a pundit!

A press release crossed my desk again and this one was not as annoying as the previous bunch. In fact, it made me think about what could be an exciting new career!

The press release announced an upcoming industry-specific governmental affairs conference in Washington D.C. And let's face it, if you're going to have an affair, Washington D.C. is a hot bed of possibilities. But I digress.

Actually, the list of conference speakers was impressive. ABC reporter Bob Woodruff will inspire everyone with his life changing experience in Iraq. And being critically injured by a road side is definatley life changing. Then there's good old NBC weather guru Al Roker whose session "Let Your Smile Be Your Umbrella" will be a one-way ticket to your happy place. A slate of politicians also promises plenty of hot air to warm the chilly break-out rooms at the Washington Convention Center.

What really caught my attention were the two speakers who were simply identified as "pundits". Not award-winning news anchors, Pulitzer caliber authors, corporate honchos, or lawmakers of any kind. They were simply called pundits.

I like that word— pundit— it rolls off the tongue like week-old pudding. I have decided that I would like to be a pundit when I grow up. My first question was: What exactly is a pundit?

I always associated the term pundit with those blow-hard political commentators who actually find bantering with Bill O'Reilly a heart pounding indoor sport. That kind of thrill ride is not high on my to-do list. Plus my pastor once said not to engage in arguments with the Devil.

When I looked up the meaning of pundit, it opened it up more than just political prognosticating. Now I never wanted to be a prognosticator. Too much pressure to be accountable —you could lose your street cred with just one poorly placed prognostication.

The dictionary says a pundit is a learned person, expert, or authority. A person who makes comments or judgments, esp. in an authoritative manner; critic or commentator. I could learn to be a learned person. Why at age 47, I actually learned how to use the postage meter machine thingy at work. Yes, you can teach an old dog...well you get the point. I do have a problem with authority sometimes, but I can overlook that in my quest for pundit-dom. I found that putting my fingers in my ears and saying, "LALALALALALALALALALA!" can sometimes make the authority problem go away. I know I can be very judgemental, in a critical manner so that shouldn't be a problem.

So pundit status is achievable for a lowly ubermom like me. I just need to find a topic of expertise that I can claim as my own. Or better yet, I can make something up ! If Rush Limbaugh can do it, then gosh darn it, so can I!

Ho! Ho! Ho!...who you calling a Ho?

In what could be the season's best ironies, one the oldest and most venerated churches in our fair city has put a modern twist in the sharing of their Nativity Scene. Gone are the days when the Nativity is solemnly presented during Christmas Eve worship. With all the holiday hustle of gift shopping, fruit cake baking, and out of town guest welcoming, who really has the time? Welcome to the Fast Food Nation - Christmas Style.

Being a Jesus loving Christian, I have no qualms about sharing the good news of our Savior's birth. I just think having people queue up to the manger in their sedans and SUVs a bit, well, odd. This church posted huge signs in front of their chapel inviting everyone to enjoy their Drive Thru Nativity Scene. Yes, you can witness a reenactment of the birth of our Savior without ever leaving your vehicle. See Christian-dom's "first family" without even shifting out of first gear. And would you like an order of fries with your Messiah?

I'm no Scrooge, but I admit my cynicism is working up a good head of steam. Maybe it's because stores have been touting holiday gift items at THE BEST PRICES EVER since late August. Can we get back to the real reason we celebrate Christmas? Thank you, Lord Jesus!

Mental block

I am having mental constipation. Maybe sticking a pen on my forehead will help. Or not.

It's enough to make you repurpose your midday meal

What a way to end the week! Yet another press release just peppered with a questionable word combination designed to make the writer of said release feel superior to the poor sap who has to read it.

Did you know that teaching in the corporate world is now called "knowledge transfer"? And did you know that "knowledge transfer" across multi-generational lines is wreaking such havoc in the work environment that specialized "facilitators of change" are being deployed to combat this modern day atrocity?

My theory on this is simple. If everyone spoke plain English (i.e., chuck the jargon, people!) we could all communicate more effectively. This would nearly eliminate "knowledge retention challenges" (i.e., stupidity) and give managers one less thing to worry about. Then maybe they could increase the budget so we can get some decent coffee in the lunch room.

Did I make myself clear?

Word abuses breed contempt

Since words are my bread and butter, I can be a bit sensitive about the "creative" use of terminology. I recently came across a press release from a finance-related organization announcing the participation of two new partners to its program. What caught my attention was the way this press release used livestock terminology and a questionable verb to describe its business partners. The sentence stated:

"The program leverages best of breed partners to handle call center operations and automated credit decisioning."

Best of breed? Is this a new way of saying cream of the crop? If I was one of those partners, would that make me a bitch? And what the hell is "automated credit decisioning"? Is decisioning really a verb? My spell check consistently denies the existence of this word. When did nouns turn into verbs? And who authorized such a transformation?

I remember when "cutting edge" morphed into "leading edge" when describing something so new and innovative that you'd have to wait at least two business days for the idea to catch up with you. Some people just love to conjure up words and phrases to make them appear smarter. They spout words like "synergy," claim to always be thinking "strategically" and have "paradigms" that shift on a regular basis. It's like they are screaming:

"Hey people! Look at me! I'm so edgy and complex!"

Oh, please.

I'm a get-to-the-point kind of gal. The abuse of adjectives and overuse of jargon, makes my head explode. (Hyperbole doesn't bother me as much.) I like messages to be just like me - short and to the point. Executive summaries are my friends. If people would communicate clearly, concisely, and honestly, then I think the world would be a much better place.

I hate to bitch, but...

Wow. Today I had to edit the worst run-on sentence I have seen since the sixth grade. It amazes me how some English speaking people have no idea how to construct a proper sentence. People, this is not about cramming as many ideas into one sentence as possible. Periods are our friends. Commas, not so much when used 10 million times in a row.

OK. I feel better now.

I say NO to AARP, thank you very much

I am offended. OK, maybe just miffed, but what the hell, it's Friday. I deserve to be offended.

I just got an email from AARP. AAR fracking P! As in the American Association of "Give-me-my-senior-discount-dammit" Retired Persons. Now I may be on the dark side of 45, but I am nowhere near the age of AARP membership eligibility. And I cannot foresee retiring in the near or far future if the economy continues to tank. Granted, the email may have been an error or a SPAM attempt to get me to buy something. But take note! If you want to be on the sunny side of my disposition, do not imply that I am old. Now, let me go and take my nap!!

Sticker shock: When paychecks disappear.

Today is pay day. That used to signal the beginning of unbridled shopping. But here I sit, after scheduling my bill payments online, feeling as empty as my wallet. Gone are the days of $200 shoes, that's for damn sure.

Once the shock wears off, I'm going to print out an invoice for a design job I just completed. That should pay my cell phone bill for a month.

If I actually got paid in real wages for all my work as a mom and domestic engineer, I'd be pulling down some serious Gs. In an ideal world!!

This kind of sucks, but not in a really bad way

I had to go back to work today. My one week of "vacation" was way too short. I almost cried myself to sleep last night thinking about waking up at 5am, dropping off the kids after praying they will be nice to grandma, and crawling though traffic. After tossing about for half an hour, I took two melatonin tabs and fell asleep in less than 15 minutes.

I started off the day in a crabby mood. My email inbox had 105 new messages. Sometimes being on a listserv is such a bother, especially when replies that should go to the original sender ONLY gets blasted to everyone on the list. Take it offline, people! Did I mention I was crabby?

Most of my day was spent catching up on STUFF! One of my coworkers insisted my business card layout was off and when printed, went beyond the margins. After checking and double checking my specs, I finally discovered she had not selected the correct print settings on the dinky little ink jet printer we all pretend is worth keeping. That was what caused all the ink issues (the green is too light! why is the font not bold enough?) and the runaway margins. I actually ended up writing printing procedures. You know, life would be so much easier if people just thought things through - and did everything to my specifications. Did that sound narcissistic? Then my job here is done.

Our administrative assistant quit two weeks ago, so I have to pick up errant phone calls with the rest of our staff. It is amazing to me how many people do not know the name of their credit union! I work at the Hawaii Credit Union League. The LEAGUE. The TRADE ASSOCIATION for credit unions. I get so many calls from people saying, "I like know the balance of my loan" or "Can you tell me how much money I get in my account?" When I tell them they have called the Hawaii Credit Union LEAGUE and that we are not a CREDIT UNION, it confuses them to no end. Now granted, there are many credit unions in this state with names that start with "Hawaii" but, puleeezh! I know EXACTLY where my money is deposited. I know the phone numbers, the websites, the physical addresses. It scares the crap out of me that some people can walk around in life absolutely CLUELESS! Did I mention I was crabby. More like premenstrual.

I'm going to take a shower now and then collapse on my bed. That is, if I can move kids and cat out of the way. Whose bed is this anyway?

My last hurrah

Today is the last day of my so-called vacation! I have been home with the kids for the past week and quite frankly, I could do this for a living. Unfortunately, being Ubermom does not pay the mortgage. I owe, I owe, so off to work I go.

Daddy Bill just made omelets for our breakfast. Alex is now firing up the Eye Toy so we can play motion-activated video Kung Fu, boxing, rocket rumble and so on. It's a good way to work off those calories.

The rest of the day is unscheduled. I just wish I could add more hours to days that I have nothing in particular to do.

My little warrior

Today my eight year old daughter entered her first "real" martial arts tournament. "Real" meaning it was not just an "in house" competition, it was at at community gymnasium and was hosted by a different school and involved other styles of martial arts.

My little tae kwon do warrior entered the Korean style "kata" competition, doing the yuan yo pattern. She was so cute in her martial arts gear, her purple belt signifiying her rank, and her pink High School Musical flip flops, which she dutifully removed f before entering the staging area.

If she was nervous, she did not let it show. When I was her age, I would never have had the guts to enter any kind of contest or tournament that would put all eyes on me for any reason. My girl is such a determined child! When it was her turn, she did what she was supposed to do with a confidence I had not seen before. Maybe her kicks were not as high as the first place winner, but she put her all into her performance. A medal for fourth place is still an honor, even if there were only four competitors in that event. Her effort was first rate in my book.

As we were leaving the gym, I asked her what she thought of the whole thing. With a thumbs up, she plainly stated, "It was fun. Can we go eat at Wendy's now?" That's my girl!

Ubermom's Day-o-Fun!

Ubermom – that multi-tasking woman that I have become – had an entire day to herself. No work. No chores at home. (Well, there were things that needed to be done, but forget that!) And no kids - they were bonding with daddy. It was Ubermom's Day-o-Fun! The possibilities were endless.

I flashed back to my B.C. days (before children) and thought about what I loved to do with a day on my own. One word came to mind...SHOPPING! I remember shopping marathons in my younger days that lasted up to 8 hours. After those mega mall marathons, my sister would always comment on my "shopper's glow" - that undeniable look of pure bliss I would get when successful bargain hunting had occurred.

So on my Day-o-Fun, I donned my Fit Flops, checked my credit card balances (at least I'm practical!) and headed for Ala Moana. What a joy it was to actually cruise through the shopping center - unhurried and unharrased by kids saying "I'm hungry!" or "Can we go to Game Stop?" I went to the stores I wanted to, I had a strawberry smoothie all to myself, ate what I wanted for lunch (sorry, MacDonalds!) and had a fabulous time. I scoured sales racks, tried on overpriced designer shoes, and wondered if lightning would strike if I bought that Dooney & Bourke handbag for only $85 after the 40% discount.

It took me four hours to explore each level of the shopping center - something I can't do on my work-day lunch breaks. There were some cute boutiques (Angry Asian Girl T-shirts! Discounted Harajuku Lovers purses!) The only down side to my Day-o-Fun was wandering into a new and interesting looking store only to find racks and racks of clothes that were sizes 0 and 1. Excuse me, but if you are a full grown woman who wears a size 0, I have two words for you...EAT SOMETHING!! Being more on the Ruebenesque side of the size spectrum, I made a mental note NEVER to enter that store again.

The sun always sets on a good thing and the end of my Day-o-Fun was timed so I would not be stuck in afternoon rush hour traffic. As I pulled into my driveway, my eight- year old Mikaela was at the door, wearing a huge grin and the pajamas she had on when I left in the morning. I didn't want to ask hubby why our daughter had not changed clothes or why the cat was holding a sign declaring "Will work for food." The house was still standing, my kids ate hot dogs and watched discounted movies from Blockbusters, and I was back where I belong. My feet were weary and my credit card balance was elevated, but my kids were excited to see me and the cat was grateful for his kibble. After a Day-o-Fun, Ubermom was ready for the real world again.

School break 101: How to keep your kids happy when school is out. (Without bloodshed)

October 7, 2008

I remember back in my B.C. days (before children) a vacation meant something relaxing. Vacations meant a short jaunt to a neighbor island for some much needed R&R. I remember a couple of vacations that simply involved playing tourist in Waikiki with just me and my spouse.Although I am still allowed to take "vacation" days off from work, the meaning of vacation has changed drastically since I became a card-carrying Ubermom.

This week, I am officially on "vacation" with my kids, who are home for their school Fall Intersession. This translates into a never ending quest to find fun and interesting activities for my 12 year old Alex and 8 year old Mikaela that does not require me to draw on my home equity loan. (That takes away all trips to the Hawaiian Waters Adventure Park, Sea Life Park, and Bishop Museum. Movies barely make the cut. And thank goodness they have outgrown the Children's Discovery Center.)

Yesterday I tried to fit in a service call for my ailing automobile. I enticed the kids with a trip to IHOP for breakfast if they would not complain about having to walk from the repair shop to the mall. Unfortunately, we were 20 minutes too late for the early bird specials, so I ended up paying full price for breakfast, which was unbudgeted. Three hours later, the kids were crabby and my car was still in the shop. By the time we got home, we were all a bit tense.

Once at home, Alex decided it would be fun to play on the Eye Toy - Sony's initial attempt at motion activated gaming. A poor man's Wii. Glad to say, Ubermom still kicks butt in Kung Fu, boxing, and Wishy Washy. Unfortunately, it all went downhill when Mikaela noticed she was always at the bottom of the win list. She burst into tears when her fervent arm flailing failed to score in Rocket Launch.

It's a good thing Monopoly is still a good old stand-by. Mikaela beat the crap out of her high spending Ubermom. (What is a gal to do when landing on prime real estate?? Buy! Buy! Buy!) I ended up with a lot of expensive property and very little in the bank account. Mikaela bought two pieces of land and one house. All it took was for me to land on her property with the house and I ended up more bankrupt than the U.S. economy. The win was good for my 8 year old's self esteem, so it was worth it.

Today will be much simpler. We are going to see Beverly Hills Chihuahua at Regal Theatre - at matinee prices, of course. This was Mikaela's activity choice. Alex is going for the over priced concession stand food. Ubermom is going for the cold air conditioning and dark ambience. If I'm lucky, I'll be able to catch a quick nap before the credits roll!